This is one of the most sinister phrases used to get a person to do something against their moral character. Not to be confused with the phrase, “Do you love me?”

The phrase “Do you love me?” appears in John 21:15 where Jesus asks Simon Peter three times.

Jesus asks Peter the question after His resurrection by the sea of Galilee.

Jesus asks, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?”

Peter answers, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”

Jesus then tells him to “feed my sheep.”

According to Dionne Eleanor, a transformational coach:

The language you use shapes the reality you create; it’s wise to try your best to choose words that empower growth, foster understanding, and build lasting connections in your relationships.

There are certain things you shouldn’t say to someone you love, no matter how open you are with one another. More than anything else, you should not use toxic phrases out of respect for the other individual. Here are some of them.

1. “But…” It’s not a bad word per se; it’s commonly used to prove a point. However, it becomes part of toxic things to say in a relationship when you use it to outdo your partner.

2. “It’s not a big deal.” These are things toxic partners say to make their partners stop arguing. They will say that something is not a big deal even though it is.

3. “Let it go.” One of the most toxic phrases you will hear from your partner, especially when your emotions are high, is the advice to let it go. It sounds uncaring.

4. “Relax.” This is one of the things you shouldn’t say to anyone, especially when they are invested in what they are saying. They are not asking for your participation, they simply want to be heard.

5. “Calm down.” Among the most irritating and toxic things to say to your partner is the phrase “calm down”, especially if it is said at the peak of their anger. It would be better to let them rant while you listen.

When the statement “If you love me” is used in conjunction with something that you do not agree with, it is ok to say, “If you love me,” you will respect my decision. That should be the end of the discussion. You do not have to be the one who gives in.

“When people face repercussions or unintended consequences after making a mistake, their fear may cause them to defend themselves by shifting the blame away from themselves and onto a scapegoat,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.

To avoid responsibility people find themselves in this dynamic if they try to detach or distance themselves from culpability when something goes wrong and their position is threatened. They try to avoid responsibility by shifting the blame onto someone else.

To protect their reputation, people tend to play the blame game when they fear that owning their mistakes or taking responsibility for an error could negatively impact the way they are perceived.

Sometimes it can be quite evident that someone is trying to shirk responsibility. Other times, it can be more subtle. Here are some indications that someone is playing the blame game:

Finger-pointing- People may point fingers at others. For instance, they may say, “He/She was supposed to send me the data for the graphs. I couldn’t make the graphs without that information.”

Denial- People may deny their responsibility. For instance, they may say, “No one told me we needed to include graphs in the presentation, how was I supposed to know?”

Exclusion- People may consistently exclude or marginalize a member of the group, and then make them the scapegoat when things go wrong. Immigrants are reason we are having problems in our society.

Blaming is a natural human behavior. When something bad happens, our first instinct is to figure out who is responsible. The problem is that when we are the ones to blame, our instincts may be to look for a way to avoid the potential consequences. Even Scriptures mention these behaviors.

In Genesis 3:12, Adam blames Eve for disobeying God. “Adam replied, ‘The woman You put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate.” Adam, not Eve, received the original prohibition (Genesis 2:16-17).

• Exodus 32:22-24 – Aaron blames the people for the golden calf.

• 1 Samuel 15:20-24 – Saul blames “the people” for sparing Amalekite spoil.

• Luke 10:29 – A lawyer, “wanting to justify himself,” questions Jesus.

According to the latest figures available, August 2024, CDC. 1 in 3 adults living in the United States of America, report feeling lonely. About 1 in 4 U.S. adults report not having social and emotional support. You might ask, how can that be in a country of over 300 million people?

This is the problem. It is not simply being around and with people. There has to be a connection. A relationship if you will. Even a person with a lot of friends can feel lonely. Social isolation is not having relationships, contact with, or support from others.

Loneliness is feeling alone or disconnected from others. It is feeling like you do not have meaningful or close relationships or a sense of belonging. It reflects the difference between a person’s actual and desired level of connection.

Loneliness and social isolation may be shaped by conditions in the environments where people are born, live, work, learn, worship, and play. These conditions can affect the ability to connect socially.

Certain conditions or experiences may increase a person’s risk of social isolation and loneliness. These include: Having a mental or physical challenge, chronic disease or condition.

Psychiatric or depressive condition, long-term disability, being marginalized or discriminated against.

Having limited or no access to resources, such as: living in rural areas, limited transportation.

However, when all else fails, scripture gives us hope. But only if we embrace it.

Genesis 2:18: God declares that it is not good for man/woman to be alone, emphasizing the importance of companionship.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: Two are better than one; they can help each other and support one another in times of trouble.

Psalm 68:6: God sets the lonely in families, highlighting His desire for community and connection.

Matthew 11:28-30: Jesus invites the weary and burdened to come to Him, offering comfort and companionship.

Hebrews 10:24-25: Believers are encouraged to meet together and encourage one another, reinforcing the value of fellowship.

Just remember, if you want friends, you have to be friendly, which means you have to work at it. You might even be rejected. sometimes. However, don’t give up.

In many of our conversations we speak of friends that we had when we were children, school, military, or at work. When asked if you are still friends many answer that we lost contact with them when we separated.  I often think about them. I don’t know if they are still around.

Aristotle identifies three types of friendships. Friendships of utility, pleasure, and virtue. Friendships of Utility: These are based on mutual benefit and practical advantages. You did not necessarily choose them; they were at the place of work.

Friendships of pleasure: These arise from shared enjoyment and fun activities. You may have played sports together, or were in some of the same classes at school and went out together to break away from the everyday grind. You may have even been “besties.”

Friendships of Virtue: The highest form, based on mutual respect and admiration for each other’s character. These are people you sought out at a time of distress, or were there for you when there seemed to be no one else around. You saw something in each other that was worth growing.

The importance of virtue is that true friendships require time and effort to develop and are rooted in moral goodness. Friendships of virtue are the most enduring and fulfilling, as they are based on deeper connections. True friendships are infrequent because virtuous people are rare.

Several scriptures come to mind. “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me (John 15:13-15. “The words of the ultimate friend, Jesus.

There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24).

“There is no friend like Jesus” is a famous theme from the 19th-century hymn “No Not One!” written by Johnson Oatman Jr in 1895. The song focuses on Jeus’ unique compassion and faithful companionship, often referencing Biblical promises of hi unmatched, loving friendship and care.

Jesus knows all about our struggles/He will guide till the day is done. While the exact sentence is not a direct quote from the Bible, it is widely accepted, profound summary of biblical teaching regarding Jesus’ role in believer lives.

Lastly, Aristotle observed that “wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.”

In June of this year, my wife and I will have been married for fifty-five years. It seems like a life time to some people. I have no regrets. I have learned a lot from her. I owe my happiness to her. The next question is usually phrased as “What is the secret to your success?”

I submit that there is no secret to our success. But it is important to align yourselves with someone who has the same “moral compass.” If you miss this, your chances of remaining happily together are nearly impossible.  

You do not have to be concerned about what you have in common. You discuss the differences.  I am an introvert, and she is an extrovert. She likes sports and I do not. She does not ask me to take her to games. She likes onions and garlic, I abhor them. She puts them in a zip-lock bag so I do not see them or smell them.  

As of 2023, the last data available from Pew Research Center, there were about 111 million single adults ages 18 and up in the United States. That is a sizable increase from 70 million in 1990. Have they given up on marriage? Women do not have to depend on men for their legitimacy. Men still try to control their decisions by passing other laws.

Some women say they would like to marry but have been disappointed by the prospects available to them. No one wants to take credit for their behaviors. As an ordained minister, and chaplain, I have decided not to perform any marriage ceremonies.

A lot of the assumptions we used to make about people were based on their relationship status,” said Dr. McGraw, who lives in Denver and hosts the podcast “Solo: The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life.” “If I knew you were single or married, I would feel like I knew a lot about you — like how you live, your values, your lifestyle. A lot of those assumptions are false now.”

As a teacher, speaking about my children, I would say that I have a grown son and daughter. my son is married and has three children. They would ask, how many children does she have? She is not married. They would look puzzled.  As to say, what does that have to do with it.

In the Bible, marriage is instituted by God as a sacred, lifelong covenant between one man and one woman, designed to reflect the union between Christ and the church. It involves leaving parents, uniting as “one flesh,” and acting as a partnership of mutual support.